The Lies and Life of Voldemort
by SushiMoonFrappe
Summary: (Just a bunch of drabbles I got late at night.) Even Voldie's got a life too. Follow Voldie's adventure's in the Riddle Manor and the Wizarding World. Features: Nagini (the snake), Potter (the foul hellspawn of the lightside- [shut up Voldemort]), Lucius (brat #2) and the one and only VOLDEMORT! (the only awesome one in the whole story- [shut up voldemort])
1. The Never-Ending Thoughts

**THE NEVER-ENDING THOUGHTS**

"Damn you Potter, I hope you trip on a rock and die. I hope you breathe air and die. I hope you slip on a banana and die. Why on Merlin's saggy balls won't you just die" Voldemort muttered while sitting on his throne, his hand tightening on Nagini, who in turn was rapidly turning purple.

'Massssstte..rrrr, im…. cho…k…ing" Nagini hissed but this was unnoticed by the noseless Dark Lord who was muttering endlessly about Potter.

"Maasster, pleasssee" Nagini once again tried but to no avail she began to resort into desperate measures seeing that the once-green snake is now purple with a lovely slap of red.

Voldemort yelped in his seat when a sudden pain was inflicted upon his hand. He narrowed his eyes on the snake- oh he wish he could crucio the damn snake like he would on Potter.

Of course, Potter, the obnoxious brat, the saviour of the light, the boy-who-lived, the golden gryffindor, the perfect potter, the youngest seeker of the century, the hellspawn who just won't stay dead.

'Masster'' Nagini hissed, opening her mouth to bite his master again after noticing the distant look on his masters face and the mutters forming in his mouth and the word 'Potter' that seemed to be present every 2 seconds.

Voldemort yelped again and glared daggers at his familiar.

"What is it?" He snarled. If looks could kill then Nagini would be dead 3 times over. _Dead, three times over,_ Voldemort scoffed. Even if looks did kill he doubts Potter would just die with one looks because noooo, he just refused to stay- the fuck- dead!

But oh how he wished looks could really kill so he could finally end the foul cretin, Potter.

"Potter..potter…potter…potter" This was the words only Nagini could makeup since the name 'Potter' was heavily emphasised with a spat that the floor was covered with his spit.

"NAGINI!" He jumped from his throne when Nagini finally got pissed and bit his very sensitive sides.

"Masster! you haven been detached for the past 4 hours muttering about Potter again and again, you were squeezing me Masster' Nagini whined glaring in return at his master who was giving him the dirtiest look as if Nagini just announced her marriage with his master's favourite Potter.

Voldemort blinked at his familiar and casted a Tempus spell. She was right, it has been 4 hours and all he had done was think about Potter.

Potter. Motherfucking Pot-

"NAGINI!"

—-

OMAKE:

Voldemort grumbled in his bed unable to sleep when the moment he closed his eyes all he could think was about Potter.

Potter, Perfect Potter! Oh… if only he could rip out his messy jet-black hair, gouge out his mesmerising green eyes and pull out those sweet ruby red li-

"NAGINI!"


	2. Voldemort is Done

**DONE**

Voldemort was done. He was just done. Nope, nope, nope.

When he casted the killing curse at the boy in the cave he was beyond gleeful at the thought of him finally dead. Gone.

But no, he is Harry-bloody-Potter. Of course he won't die!

And that was when every vein in Voldemort's head just snapped.

He stormed outside of Hogwarts snapping his wand leaving a shocked and confused crowd and apparated in somewhere in America- unknown to him that is was Hollywood.

"Fuck it, fuck it all, fuck Potter, fuck him" He said glaring at every person he sees, not caring that he was in the muggle area.

The crowd around him were oblivious that the man having a tantrum on the street is none other than the ferocious and evil Dark Lord Voldemort. They just thought he's some kind of weird cosplayer- because its Hollywood, shit goes down there every day.

But no one even dared to approach him for 2 main reasons. One, they have no idea which fandom he is from and two, the man seems to snap and glare every person within 3 feet in his personal bubble so they just left him alone, casting awed glances at him.

"Fuck Britain, fuck the mug-" His mutterings came to a stop when he tripped on a stone, face flat.

When most people would often break their nose after a face-flat fall, Voldemort did not for he was special or just out-of-the-category, after all, how can you break something you don't have?.

Voldemort sighed in resignment. He dusted his robes and glared at the stone who tripped him, when out of nowhere a flyer slapped his face.

"Fucking flyer" He cursed and looked at the flyer.

It was a casting call for this movie called 'Thor'

Not feeling interested he simply skimmed the flyer down to the bottom until his eyes felt on a stop on a certain name called 'Loki'.

"Hmm.. interesting" Voldemort muttered, still completely ignoring the muggles who were now taking photos of him.

He read the character and description and grinned. Hates his father? Check! Likes the colour green? Check! Wants to rule the world? Check!

Voldemort laughed oblivious to startled reaction from the muggles around him. He heard some mutters like 'his make-up is so realistic' and 'what's he supposed to be?" also "he cackles better than wife"

It was 2 weeks later when he finally got the callback from the casting director after his audition for the movie 'Thor'.

"Hello? Is this Tom? The one who auditioned for Loki?" The casting direction said on the other end. Somehow, Tom felt slightly uncomfortable when he first heard the voice, the eerily familiar voice but he just ignored it feeling that if he kept guessing he might turn paranoid.

"Yes, it is I" Tom said in return, making his voice as silky as possible thinking he could charm the man like he did with his death eaters.

His death eaters, Tom wondered where they are now. Locked down in Azkaban? Persecuted? Escaped? Even he doesn't know anymore nor does he care anymore.

"Good job sonny, you just got it! Now listen here, I expect you to be in the area this Thursday, we will have some briefing to do and some rules to make, Understood?."

"Of course sir, Thank you" He said trying hard to mask the glee in his voice.

"Alright then, what was your last name again son?" The director asked.

Tom Riddle pursed his lips and glanced at the mirror in front of him. His black hair was in immaculate condition, waving in utmost elegance that only hair commercials could par with. He then looked at his dark eyes, the same eyes that once help contempt on a certain Potter.

The name Tom, it was common after all, he could use it but he could certainly not use Riddle since a certain brat already knows it. But Tom- what?

Voldemort's eyes narrowed when he remembered the stone the he tripped on. It's not like he has 1 hour to search for a surname, he kind of has around less then 10 seconds and right now all he has in his mind is the word stone and the name Tom. So improvise it is.

' _stone…stone…. it sounds good but not enough_ ' Tom thought

Tom Stone? no

Tom Riddleston?

sounds like a band, no

Tom Hiddleston- _perfect_

"Hiddleston. Tom Hiddleston" He concluded.

The line went silent for a few seconds and only a scribbling of a pen could be heard.

"Tom Hiddleston, am I correct?"

"Correct"

"Got it, now kid, when you get to the area tell the front desk you're looking for Mr. Potter, Harry Potter" And the line ended.

—-

 **Somewhere in the galaxy far far away**

Luke.. I am your-" Darth Vader stopped when a scream of rage strained their ears. Both men cringed and tried to rid the sudden ringing in their ears.

Darth Vader shook his head and remembered that he still has an announcement to drop. He cleared his voice and spoke.

"Luke.. I am you father" He said but to his suprise Luke simply looked at him expectantly. Why did he not react? Was it not enough? What else did he want him to say? That he was also his mother?

"What?" Luke said but to Darth Vader bewilderment he heard nothing but the ringing of his ears.

"What? I can't hear you"

"What? Speak up! I cannot hear you"

"What?"

—

OMAKE:

 **Somewhere in the galaxy far far away**

"Did you hear that?" Luke said, his forehead dripped with sweat from carrying the talking green frog on his back for hours.

"Ah, anguish, pain and suffering it is" Yoda cleared in a dream-like state.

"Should we locate the sound?"

"Why must we?"

"To help them, isn't that what Jedi's do? Help people?"

Yoda gave Luke an incredulous look that spoke _'stupid you are'_

"Why am I here again?" Luke sighed

"Carry me you must"

"Beep beep" R2-D2 agreed.


	3. The Ranting of Nagini

**THE RANTING OF NAGINI**

This time it was nagini who was just done. She was done.

Potter here, Potter there, Potter everywhere!. Why don't they just rename the manor to Potter Manor? Change Nagini to Potter or better yet- change everyone's name to Potter.

Why not just name it Potter world? oh Nagini laughed and laughed while crying in between.

.Potter. She just couldn't handle it anymore.

Nagini slithered out the _Potter_ manor, formerly Riddle manor about 3 seconds ago according to herself, and wandered out wherever her slithering instincts brought her.

Nagini halted when she heard a familiar voice of a male and went slowly towards it like a ninja or a snake ninja, considering she's a snake.

"…Potter-" Nagini snapped when she heard Potter, every restraint thrown out the window and with her already insane eyes, she lunged at the poor unsuspecting male.

Only to stop, again, when this time it's actually _Harry Potter._ Who in return jumped backwards and drew his wand at the snake, releasing a slight yell but quickly shut his mouth to not attract any attention.

It took about 1 minute of staring for both parties, Nagini who stared feeling like a poor fangirl unable to believe her eyes that her most favourite celebrity is right in front of her and Harry who was starting to feel very uncomfortable at the unblinking stare of the green snake.

"Umm.." Harry tried to say something not even getting the effort to make his voice more confident than the awkward tone he is using right now.

' _Harry? Harry Potter? The boy-who-lived?'_ Nagini hissed still unable to believe

Harry lowered his wand and shifted slightly still wary of the snake who just attempted to kill him about 2 minutes ago.

' _Yes..?'_

' _omigod'_ Nagini hissed, slithering backwards a bit, eyes widening.

Potter. It's Potter

It's Harry James Potter. And suddenly Nagini seemed stuck. For how many months, years, she kept hearing Potter every single day 24/7 but never even saw him and now-!

' _Potter, Harry Potter, I'm Nagini'_ She replied, her throat suddenly felt dry and parched.

' _Nagini?'_ Harry said, the name of the snake slightly familiar like he heard it somewhere before. But where?

' _Yes'_ She confirmed.

Not being able to recognise and not having anymore to say Harry straightened up and attempted to bid goodbye to the snake but Nagini was not having it.

' _Wait'_

This was Harry Potter, she was not missing this once in a lifetime opportunity.

On the other hand, Harry seemed even more uncomfortable than before and mixed with a whole lot of awkwardness, he was just standing as still as the tree behind him, really there was nothing else to say? No conversation topic is coming in his mind.

Then it hit him. Nagini, the _Dark Lord's_ snake. _Voldemort's_ snake.

Harry stiffened up but unbeknownst to him, he was muttering his thought out loud.

' _No, I'm not here to kill you, I promise'_ Nagini cleared breaking Harry from his terrified trance.

Harry began to sweat and inched slowly while Nagini began to think furiously to make the young wizard stay for just a while,

' _He keeps talking about you'_ She finally hissed out loud stopping Harry and she felt pleased when she saw the curiosity in those eyes.

Reluctant, Harry braved himself to ask.

' _What do you mean?'_

And there she began her rant for 5 hours straight. Even Harry slightly felt pity on the snake that was now crying on his lap (is that even possible?) as he caressed his scales and soothed her but not stopping her from rant knowing too well what might happen.

' _And everyday is just Potter! Potter!…..Potter….Potter'_ Nagini cried

Harry nodded sagely at his new unlikely friend and even now his head began to hurt at the word 'Potter' from hearing it more than a hundred time in the span of 5 hours.

—-

 **Somewhere in the Potter Manor, formerly Riddle Manor about 5 hours and 4 minutes ago according to a certain snake.**

Lucius cried bowing his head. He just couldn't take it anymore. Potter! Potter! Potter! Damn Potter everywhere!

He just want to punch everything now until all is silent. No more Potters. No more.

The doors opened and Bellatrix came in striding in a pompous manner, interrupting Voldemort's speech (rant) that involved thousands upon thousands of the word Potter.

To be quite honest, the raid plan ended 4 hours ago, it just so happen that a certain death eater expressed his opinion of how much he hates Potter. Oh oh, and the moment this is over. He will pay for that. He will show him a fate worse than death.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed at the female psychopath.

"What?"

Bellatrix bowed in front of his Lord and straightened herself.

"My Lord, Potter-"

He snapped and so did 4 more death eaters. He yelled and screamed on top of his lungs ("NO! NO! NO MORE POTTER, NOOOooo-!") and jumped to the nearest window.

—-

It was already past dinner time when Nagini finally finished her rant and bid goodbye at her new found friend and slithered back to the castle when she noticed small blonde hair peeking out of the bush.

Hmm, someone must have placed a potion to have it grown blond hair, oh well. It's not her business anyways.

Nagini slithered inside, content that she finally let all her feelings out.

(A/N:) Lmao, I don't know but I just really love Nagini. She's like that one mom friend in the group.

Also: You can always tell me ideas you want me to do or people you want Voldie babe or Nagini to interact and drabbles you want me to expand (maybe I can make omakes or think about making a 2 shot story/separate story about it- just maybe)

Thanks.. Love y'all


	4. Nagini

**NAGINI**

Nagini was fed-up with his master. Potter here, Potter there, Potter almost everywhere!

Potter. Potter. Potter. She was inches close to completely changing her name to Potter permanently and see how his master would react.

But sigh, what else could she do? Aside from biting his Master which she now have done multiple times already judging from the scarred skin.

If only Potter was her so she throw him to his Master and have him finally shut up.

"Is it true? You're getting married to Nott?" A voice of a female death eater snapped her from her musings. Nagini slithered somewhere where she could eavesdrop on them and not seen to avoid scaring the girls.

"I am, Father has set-up a marriage contract for both of us the marriage is next week" Another female voice said and judging from her voice, she was not at all happy with the situation.

The two voices began to dissolve as they walked together further down the hallway leaving Nagini with a very dangerous idea.

 _Marriage Contract?_

Nagini cackled that vaguely sounds like a cat hacking up hairball.

"Time for revenge" She hissed to herself.

Nagini slithered away and began her master plan, idly wondering what their children would look like, would they more of a Potter or a Riddle? Nagini pondered.

(A/N:) Hi Guys and Gals, so this is pretty short because like, I just got this idea around- idunno- last midnight.

Me+Boredom = Ideas

Me+Boredom+Night = Crazy Ideas

…. (dot dot dot dot)

Thanks. Love y'all


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